


if you and I

by Capspandex



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Cuddling, Domestic Fluff, M/M, Sad, champagne supernova is in this because idk the 90s, i wanted an excuse to write about some soft 90s shit, takes place is modern day but has flashbacks u know what I mean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-11-05 19:24:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11019948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Capspandex/pseuds/Capspandex
Summary: Paul can never sleep because Teemu's arms bring back so many memories and regrets.





	if you and I

**Author's Note:**

> unbeta'd  
> Also this is my first time writing this pairing so it's not great

Teemu Selanne was always domestic. It didn't matter if it was 1997 in an ugly eighties hotel room in a big city, or today in Paul's way-too-modern Californian home. Teemu was domestic to the point where it was gross. It was just the way he didn't even need to talk and he'd rub circles onto Paul's back, twirl his hair and everyday he would slowly make up for the years lost to lies and separation. Paul still remembers when they met at the all-star game. He was so struck by Teemu's warm personality with the slight hint of dickishness, or probably just pride within him. They were fast friends and in weeks were complementing each other on the ice like Lemieux and Jagr. Both of them were too shy to admit feelings for each other, it wasn't exactly okay then either. 

Paul's clearest memory was in late 1997 before the holidays. He and Teemu were driving on the high way and Champagne Supernova came on the radio, static thanks to the poor connection and Teemu pulled over. He leaned over and kissed Paul and they got out and stared at the stars. Every constellation was clear under the California sky and the tones of blue, black, and purple were showing behind the stars. Teemu grabbed Paul's hand, kissed it, and they lied there for what felt like hours, looking and wishing upon the stars. Paul misses that. They were carefree, injury free, and happy. He wished he'd cherished it more when it happened, instead of wanting to cry thinking about it, curled up in Teemu's chest. 

1998 was rough. Paul was hurt, Teemu wasn't there. On ice he was perfect, the modest captain as always, but his head ached and he felt alone. He met Teemu three times that season. It was desperate moments touching in outdated hotel rooms, fast kisses only broken to gasp for air. Being separated was hard, they had phone calls but they were just small talk or phone sex and no in between. What they had was vague, never talked about. Paul truly loved Teemu, but he never knew if the feeling was mutual. 

Signing with the Avalanche felt like a brilliant decision that Paul made, despite the paycut and he tried to cherish every moment of it. The quick, desperate kisses became slower and longer and more passionate and every day he fell more for Teemu. It was as if Teemu was his prince, and Paul was the damsel in distress. Paul misses the way they played together, the way they had some type of psychic ability on ice and the fact no NHL analyst would ever deny the fact they were perfect for each other. Paul wishes his career wasn't cut short and the NHL could've done something. He wants to cry because he could've played with Teemu again, won a cup, but instead his career was cut short. Nothing was being done about it, and he still has a bitter taste when the letters N, H, an L come out of his mouth. 

As unhealthy as it is, Paul still thinks about the should've, could've, and would've beens. He thinks about how maybe he shouldn't have signed with the Preds until after 2007, or how if his career wouldn't have been cut short, he could've gone to Anaheim and he and Teemu could finish out their careers together. They could've had a perfectly peaceful life residing in good old Orange County, or Helsinki. Paul thinks too much, it's 2am, he can't sleep, and he's wrapped up in Teemu's arms. He still wishes he told him he was in love with him years and years ago, but here they are now, aged and mature just learning about love. 

Love was such a strange thing to Paul. Before he met Teemu he never thought he'd meet anyone. There was always something about him. At first Paul was cold towards Teemu. Their first night they spent in a bar during the all star game, Teemu could barely get Paul to talk, but weeks went on and Paul managed to open up to someone. Teemu is still the only person he does that for, it's a routine, it keeps him sane. He still never told Teemu how he felt, they were just on again, off again fuckbuddies for years. After Colorado it was just fancy hotel rooms on the road, an occasional staying over at each other's houses, and rushed summer visits. 

Paul was forced to leave hockey. That hurt him so much. It hurts more than traditional heartbreak, because in a way it is. Teemu was his rock, but Paul never opened up to him and tried to shut him out before he retired. It's one of his biggest regrets and it keeps him up at three in the morning still curled into Teemu's chest. The toll leaving hockey took on Paul was awful and his head hurt and felt like it was never in the right place. He knew he was never in the right place, but he cut everyone off. He wished he was open to people, he wished he could sleep through the night without regrets of unconfessed feelings and cutting out people whom he loved. 

It's four in the morning and Paul they'll wake up after ten and they'll eat together like an old married couple, they'll watch tv and Paul will lay in Teemu's lap as if they're still in their twenties, they'll talk about travel plans and upcoming events. They'll eat lunch, maybe go out, maybe enjoy the gorgeous California weather, come home and eat dinner earlier than they should, although they keep justifying it because they're older now. They'll watch the news and whatever shitty television show is on after until they go to bed. They'll check their phones a few times and Paul will curl up into Teemu's chest and arms again as Teemu falls asleep within half an hour. That chest and arms bring back the memories, which bring back regrets and pain which will keep Paul up into ungodly hours of the night, yet it will keep sane. It's his routine, and as emotionally draining as it is, it works. It works for Paul, it works for Teemu, it has worked for twenty years and no one is trading it for anything.


End file.
